Tuesday, April 22, 2008

It sucks being me

I stayed home from work today. I'm sick with a raging sore throat and a head that feels like its going to explode. The fact that I have a headache is pretty amazing to me considering I've been taking 2400 mg of ibuprofen daily for two weeks. Fortunately, the addition of Tylenol 8 hour to the mix is helping the headache. Only one more week of the ibuprofen and I can hardly wait. I'm normally not much of a pill popper. And there are more side effects from taking this much ibuprofen than I ever realized. For one, I gained 4 lbs in about 3 days. Just what I need, to feel bloated when I can't go out and run it off. I'll spare you the other gory details.

Last week I got the results of my bone scan and CT scan. The bone scan was normal, so its highly likely that I don't have any sort of stress fracture. That's good. The CT scan showed a cyst on my S1 and S2 nerve roots and some mild bulging on my L4 L5 disc. The doc thinks the cyst may be the cause of my nervy leg pain so I'm getting an MRI this week to take a closer look. I found this out last Thursday, and I'll admit I was a little freaked out. Especially since the nurse casually mentioned that a surgeon would require the MRI before surgery. Surgery!?! I certainly wasn't expecting to hear that. But while it seems like I'm being shunted down the major medical intervention route, my attitude is taking a different turn. I'll take the MRI and see what happens with that. But since last Thursday, I've developed the mindset that I'm going to heal myself. Whether I really can, remains to be seen. But that's my mindset and I'm going to hold on to it.

Rob mentioned in a comment that he'd be a basket case by now. As if I'm not. I guess its nice that I don't come across as a basket case. But just so you know, I'm not super human. I've certainly had my basket case moments...and days, for that matter. I dream about running, about running trails, running ultras, hanging out with runners. I feel it so strongly that a wave of intense sadness comes over me when I wake up from one of these dreams. I miss my running life intensely. I know that most who read this can understand that.

But now that I know I'm going to heal myself (maybe with the help of some medical interventions), I feel much more optimistic. I never really focused on this injury as back related. But if that's truly what it is, then I'm going to do all I can to align and strengthen my back. I found an awesome (and deceptively simple) therapeutic yoga DVD, that focuses on the back and hip. I've noticed an improvement in just the few days I've used it.

So yeah, it sucks being me right now. It sucks for anyone who can't do what they truly love to do. But I'll take my baby steps and get back out there eventually. I'm healing myself.


angie's pink fuzzy said...

awesome to focus on the healing...i'll keep my fingers crossed for you. you have the strength to get through this!

Backofpack said...

Go on over to Craig's current post (you can get there from my side bar). He has a way with words that helps to bring calm and clarity. It's a prayer, and I am not religious, or a church-goer, but it still speaks to me. I hope it helps you with where you are right now too.

I completely understand everything you wrote - I was there myself a few years back. Focus on that healing - imagine it, dream it, think it. And, keep doing what you've been doing - hanging out with runners, they'll lift you up and carry you along till you are well. Go get'em girl!

Jamie said...

That's tough, Sarah. I know what you mean. Hang in there. Thinking good thoughts for you.

Catherine said...

Sarah, I could have written your latest blog. Actually, I just updated my site with something very similar. As hard as it is for both of us, it's nice to know we're doing it together and no, we're not super human. I also think/dream about running all the time. I listen to running podcasts and it's so hard to hear about other people racing. But we'll be back on those trails soon, we just need to heal.

Take care.

Journey to a Centum said...

A positive attitude can create the positive energy that will help you heal up. If all else fails I think you have a promising career in arm warmer modeling!

PS - In my opinion the parent meetings at WSU were for parents that hadn't raised responsible kids. I didn't need to hear how they were going to care for my baby. He can take care of himself. I had no other option than to go trail running!

olga said...

I can challenged you on "suck been me". I got a phone call this morning that Alex's school is getting shut down and investigated, and we need to pick up kids in 24 hrs. Not only it means time off (which is hard to get for me) and money (same), it means he'll come back with no high school diploma, I can't send him back to old school, he is not in right mind set yet, he needs to find a job and a place to get GED, I need to fall back on sleepless nights where he is and what he is doing...and on top get grief from my fav ex. Forget personal life that just bagn to emerge. Forget racing season I was looking for. Start thinking stress and depression. I'd take an injury any day...sorry, not that I am unsympathetic, it just happened, and you're first to hear...Heal up, dear.

rick said...

Ibuprofen makes you gain weight? Had no idea. It totally sucks being in that position, I'm not sure what I would do if it was me. Thanks for sharing though, for letting us know how you're really doing.

Ryan said...

That's a solid plan...keep working and healing you'll get stronger everyday and soon you'll be back on the trails...in ur element. I try to do a lot of core training it seems to have benefited my running.

Take care...

Theresa said...

I'm going to order that DVD today- Thanks for providing the link. I remember the week I got my MRI and was freaked out by the wording on the report. From just reading it without an expert to interpret, I thought I was doomed and would never run again. Fortunately I found a really good Sports Medicine Dr. (he's the MD for the US ski team and understands the mental part of an athlete) and even though there is damage to my
L4/L5 it is historic and that stucturally he saw no reason I couldn't run. That really helped my outlook, even though at the time it was a mystery as to why my connective tissue was all flared up. He had me take Voltaren for the inflammatory problems. It helped- that was three months ago.
Just know that the depression/stress in a natural part of the healing process. It got pretty bad for me for awhile, I stopped blogging because I was overwhelmed and not sure where I fit into the world without the structure of running/training for events. But for everything there is a season... it will pass.

Now I'm looking at my process like building a house- working on a strong foundation and supporting system before I build upward.

Keep seeking to find joy in what you can do today, and know that we are all here for you :)

robtherunner said...

There's no way you could ever be a basket case. You're just too mentally stable:) Ok, so maybe I'll give you a little bit of room to be a bit crazy during the healing process.

Sarah Elaine said...

My heart goes out to you. Sometimes it does suck and there's not much you can do about it... except what you are doing already, which is focussing on what you need right now.

I am rooting for you and I will check back again soon.

Hugs to you.

Donald said...

This is a total bummer, Sarah ... I hope something works out for you to get this over with, and back to doing the things you enjoy.

Bob Gentile said...

This too shall pass, keep the faith!

and yes Increase that core strength, Tom who is pacing me for my first 100 has me doing push ups & sit ups daily and said it will make a HUGE difference in how ur going to feel during ur 100...he also said it will be crazy and insane and tough but at least the core will keep you upright--LOL

KEEP the Faith you will be back!

Darrell said...

Boy do I know what you mean. I always remember the HS football coach espousing PMA - positive mental attitude.

We'll both be back out there eventually.