Saturday, November 15, 2008

A new point of view

I decided to count them up and since January I've been seen by:

1 osteopathic physician's assistant
1 primary care medical doctor
1 neurologist
2 physiatrists
2 chiropractors
3 physical therapists

I had an appointment with a new physical therapist yesterday. I liked his approach ..... he's really the first one to evaluate my biomechanics. We're on the same page and everything he said rang true. I'm looking forward to working with him and seeing what comes of it.

I've sort of hit rock bottom in that I really don't expect to be able to run again. Yes, that is truly how I feel. Hard to believe I've gotten to this point. So any improvement is gravy. I did renew my maniac membership so I guess there's still a bit of optimism there. It's not so much that I'm feeling pessimistic, but that I've come to a realistic acceptance of my situation. It really sucks to want to do something that you can't. It's hard to feel like your ability to choose has been taken away. And it's awkward when people admire your positive attitude when you really don't feel that way.

But....there are so many people who are truly suffering in the world, both near and afar, that my little concerns and worries and aches and pains seem trivial. So I'm trying to count my blessings every day and focus on opening my heart.

If your cup is small, a little bit of salt will make the water salty.
If your heart is small, then a little bit of pain can make you suffer.
Your heart must be large.

- Thay Nhat Hanh


Carrie said...

Maybe you don't have a positive attitude, but it is accepting, which is more then many ppl.

Gretchen said...

Oh this post makes my heart ache! I think though, that just because you are not running does not mean you are not a runner. It's part of your definition of your self, so don't feel like you have to give that up too.
Your renewal of the maniacs membership shows that you are thinking long term, which I think is great. You have to believe that you will run again someday, you just have to accept that it may be a long while. I like your perspective.
Anyway, hopefully you are finding fulfilling things to fill the void!

Catherine said...

Like Gretchen, my heart aches as I read your post. But don't trivialize your feelings. Something you love to do has been taken away from you and not by your choice. It's ok to be hurt and upset. But I know you're strong mentally and will get through this and make the best of things until you can run again.

olga said...

Trying to count blessings is a good view on life. Especially after reading Craig's post, huh? You just bundle your patience and never stop believing. Wish I could say something more profound, but life is like that - short steps, falls, dusting off, another step. Somehow I think you'll come back. It just can't be forever when there is no obvious reason!!!

Journey to a Centum said...

Inevitably we will all one day take our last run. Sometimes other things in life take us away. Sometimes we choose to pursue another activity. Sometimes injury prevents us from our love of running. And sometimes people drop dead on their last run.

I've always said that when one door slams shut another is opened. Will it be door number 1, door number 2, or door number 3? Which ever you choose I hope you will find a passion even larger than running. If not perhaps it will tide you over until your body is ready again.

Darrell said...

Here in blogland we tend to define ourselves by our running, these are running blogs after all. Running is what brought us all together. But in reality we are all so much more than just a runner. There are other dimensions to each of us. I hope you can find one and channel your energies there. All the best, Sarah. You may yet run again. Keep lookin' up and movin' forward.

Backofpack said...

Everybody said such wonderful and wise things in their comments - I can only echo each of their thoughts. I am pulling for you to get through this, and I do think you'll be running again. In the meantime, keep writing, because we love to hear from you!

Rick Gaston said...

I really hope this non-running state ends soon. Like Olga said, I wish I could say something more profound. I am glad that you are still involved, blogging, commenting, volunteering at races.

Your problems maybe be small compared to the world and others but they are yours and they affect you nonetheless. Great attitude and I hope you heal soon.

Joe said...

Boy, I'm glad to hear you may have some hope with the new professional. I sure hope that moves things ahead for you.

Keep hanging in there Sarah... your heart is large.

angie's pink fuzzy said...

acceptance is a good thing. i am so sorry to hear of where you are, but it's good to know that you have a new physical therapist you like. and good on ya for renewing your maniac membership. i don't really think there's anything i can say that will help you feel better, but know that my thoughts are with you. and hey, at least you have plenty of time for kicking my butt at the various incarnations of scrabble, yeah? (gotta find the silver lining somewhere, hahaha!)